Who do you Perform for?

“Last night molly asks me –  who do you perform for- and the questions rotates” (Boan)

Who do you perform for?

her question spiralled like a drill into my brain

who do you perform for?

1. My mom
2. My followers
3. My ex-boyfriends’ who view my Instagram story 
4. My friends
5. But myself 
6. Am I performing for myself?

It became a stain on every memory 

Who was I performing for?

Are all women performers?

“Oh you just have fake it, so it will end sooner” 

Is my back arching like theirs does?  –  I studied romcoms 

“Oi cheer up” – he said to me as he drove by 

“Let me see you smile” as I served him his coffee 

Why do I listen to his thoughts and eat them like candy? 

A sort of currency for intimacy I guess

do I even like football? 

what does my candid laugh actually sound like?

But if women are performers 

Then who is their audience?

NOTE FROM THE WRITER: This series of poems is based on thoughts or feelings that I felt were spurred on through Selina Boans’ poetry.

Works cited 

Boan, Selina. “On Wanting.” Undoing Hours. Nightwood Editions, 2021. CW: sexual assault