In Loving Memory
Dear Reader…
For context and as a content and/or trigger warning, my mother passed away a few years ago. I found solace in reading and writing poetry. It lent a hand in articulating the complex emotions and nuances of navigating through the past few years after losing someone so important to me. The creation and collection of these three short, anonymous poems has been a reflective and therapeutic experience. My hopes are that they can help you reflect on and articulate similar emotions or feelings if you too have lost a loved one.
TLDR; Content/Trigger Warning:
This collection of poems deals with themes of death, losing a family member, parent, loved one, etc. and childhood traumas.
This collection is titled “In Loving Memory”. I hope you enjoy.
– JC
Place and Time with You
Aligned in perfect parallels,
boats rested along their moorings
contrasting vividly, white
against
dark, sacred waters
of the inlet.
–
Evenings spent there, taking it all in
feelings of home, chaos, longing
growing, bubbling, arising.
–
Harbor silently harboring
silence I watch, I
breathe, I feel.
Just watching, just
breathing, just feeling.
Knowing that if I just walk away, leave
it all behind, and just walk away,
memories will stay in their places, frozen
in time.
Nothing would change, and I can
hold
on to all of it for one more
perfect minute with you.
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
–
Quiet, deafening silence
Remembering you is the only way you’ll
live on, I know
sunsets here were your
favourite time of the day, and
undoubtably, they were better
with you.
–
Vivid memories
with you are all I have now.
Exactly today 5 years ago
you left us behind for a better
world, and
zealously, we still search for little
ways to live in your absence.
–
Walking quickly
Walking quickly at night,
always here to get my steps in by the
harbor not
here nor there like you
and every night the wind breeze
encompasses me
it’s forever a hug from you
soothing in its presence
and chilling in its wake
I feel the cold of it
through and through
my layers of warmth
and protection
down to my bones.
I forever feel the presence
like the absence
everywhere.
Out there, I know
I see a seal bob its head
up and out of the dark waters
I almost miss it, and the others
never see it
so did it really happen.
It’s blurry and maybe I imagined it
it’s forever you in it’s imagined
temporary
imagined presence
I can still see its head
I can still hear your voice
if I look hard enough
if I listen hard enough
–
Your presence is forever
this harbor, every
fleeting moment, every
flickering image, every
lost memory.
–
When I Was a Child
When I was a child,
tree meant a big plant that I would never
climb. I hate bugs.
song meant singing the lyrics as loud as I
could. I was a choir kid.
water meant family bonding time. I still don’t
know if Mom actually knows how to swim. TV show meant hopefully my homework
was done. No TV before my math was
done.
tired meant dozing off. Mom used to tuck
me into bed every night.
–
When I was a child,
snow meant tobogganing. I live by a hill.
school meant seeing my friends. I didn’t
have many of them when I was a child. art
meant as many colours as I could fit on a
page. I was always a creative kid.
–
When I was a child,
loneliness smelled like fresh air and the
wind. I usually sat alone on the playground
at recess.
hunger tasted like nothing. Nothing tastes
like craving everything.
–
When I was a child,
anxiety tasted like my blood. I tend to bite
the inside of my cheeks when I’m
anxious. happiness felt like the wind in my
hair. I miss running into Mom’s arms.
longing felt like tossing and turning in bed.
Missing her kept me up at night.
Dearest daughter,
When you were a child,
you never climbed trees. I watched you
cringe as you noticed ants on other
kids. you loved being in the choir. I’m
sorry I never attended your concerts.
you were always so excited to go
swimming. I’m sorry we didn’t get to go
more.
you knew to finish your homework before
playing. I regret not letting you be a child.
you were asleep the second your mother
tucked you in. I’m sorry I was never the one
to do so.
–
When you were a child,
snow meant tobogganing. I tried to make up
for time lost by playing on it with you. school
meant seeing your friends. You didn’t have many of them.
art meant projects that we didn’t have space
for. I’m sorry we never kept any of it.
–
When you were a child,
loneliness smelled like fresh air and the
wind. You were always alone when I picked
you up after school.
hunger tasted like nothing. You were never
picky, and never asked for more than your
share.
–
When you were a child,
anxiety tasted like blood. I could see you
biting the inside of your cheeks, but I’m
sorry I didn’t know how to help you.
happiness felt like the wind in your hair. I
know you miss running into your
mother’s arms. I’m sorry I can’t do
anything to change that.
longing felt like tossing and turning in bed. I
know missing her keeps you up at night. I’m
sorry I can’t do anything to help you. It
keeps me up too.
–
Love,
Dad
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